You Don't Need Help From Us!
by Luthis
Summary: This story explains why it's better to yell "HEALLP" than to call the agents on the phone for help.


Hi, I'm Agent BA-2, but you can just call me by the letter 'J.' I am hear today to tell you about some of the craziest calls that all of the agents and divas have been receiving ever since we saved the world from an alien invasion. Back in the year 2006, Commander Howard Khan was thinking of a way to have people contact us whenever they need some help. The commander had so many inventions that he wanted to try out, but they were complete failures. The commander finally decided to create a emergency phone number. The EBAH (Elite Beat Agent Hotline) was finally created a year later, the phone number was created as a backup for people that were put in a situation where, saying "**HEAALP,**" was not working. It's took a while for the people to use the number, but after the alien invasion, we would get these wacky calls like this…

July 22, 2007- 5:24 p.m.

Agent Morris: You're reached the Elite Beat Agents, Agent Morris speaking.

Female Caller: I am trapped in my house.

Agent Morris: Trapped? Is someone holding you their?

Female Caller: Someone? No, but there is a frog on the front porch.

Agent Morris: A frog?

Female Caller: Yes, a frog?

Agent Morris: Okay, but what is preventing you form leaving the house?

Female Caller: I told you. There is a frog on the porch and I am afraid of frogs.

Agent Morris: And you don't have another door to the house?

Female Caller: No. There is only one door and I can't get out of the house with the frog sitting there.

Agent Morris: Why don't you take a broom and sweep the grog off the porch?

Female Caller: I can't do that. I told you, I am afraid of frogs. He might get me.

Agent Morris: Um… I'm not sure how I can help you with this.

Female Caller: Can't you send a police officer over here to move the frog?

Agent Morris: No, ma'am. I can't send a police officer or a warden out for this.

Morris was really angry when he was told by the commander that he actually had to help the woman with her "problem." Morris wanted Khan to find a way to take the phone number off so he didn't have to deal with another dumb caller, but Khan didn't listen to him. Agent Starr didn't think that it was such a big deal, so she decided to become the new dispatch on the EBA Hotline to prove Morris that there are some people out their that really need our help.

August 12, 2007-8:27 p.m.

Agent Starr: You've reached the EBA, Agent Starr speaking.

Woman: Son of a bitch, don't you ever hang up on me again!

Agent Starr: Ma'am, what's wrong?

Woman: You just hung up on me.

Agent Starr: No, I didn't talk to you. What's your problem?

Woman: The one that I was talking to, he hung up me, and I don't go for that shit.

Agent Starr: Ma'am, he was answering an emergency call. What's your problem?

Woman: I bet, I bet. You tell her not to hang up on me ever again. I am a citizen of the United States. I have a right to complain, and if you just don't like it, you're going to get a complaint…

Agent Starr: All right, just make sure that you follow that up with the traffic division, okay?

When Starr was done with the explicit conversation that she had with the caller, the Elite Beat Diva had a explicit conversation with me. "I can't believe that bitch would try to curse at me, I don't believe that crap. Did she kiss her mother with that mouth?" Starr said to me. Starr didn't want to put up with the crazy callers, so she gave the job to Derek, and this is the call that he got.

August 27, 2007-7:57 p.m.

Agent Derek: EBA emergency.

Young Boy: Uh, my brother locked my mom out.

Agent Derek: Your brother locked your mom out?

Young Boy: Yeah.

Agent Derek: Anybody else in the house with you?

Young Boy: Only my brother.

Agent Derek: I'm sorry…

Young Boy: Bye.

Agent Derek: Wait! Wait!

Young Boy: What.

Agent Derek: Your mom is outside and you're in the house by yourself?

Young Boy: No. hangs up

It took a while for Derek to find the number, and this time, the little boy's mother picked up the phone and told Derek everything that was going on. When Derek was done with the call, he said, "I had it with this crap. I don't want to do this anymore!" Derek wanted to give the job to Chieftain, but he turned it down, than he gave the job to Foxx and Missy, but they didn't want it either. He wanted me to take those calls, but I told him that I was going to cut his red afro and make him look like Tommy Pickles' Mother if he did, so he decided to make Spin take the crazy calls on the hotline, and here's what happen.

October 21, 2007-10:01 a.m.

Agent Spin: EBA, What is the address of your emergency?

Citizen: Yes, I'd like to report that I hear voices and see shadows, and I've been receiving threats lately.

Agent Spin: Okay, sir, where exactly are these things happening?

Citizen: Well, I'm not sure they're even here in Utah. The travel through sound waves and TV signals.

"You know what, fuck that shit. Give this job to Mr. X." said Spin, the rookie agent left and decided to have Mr. X take the calls after staying in that position for thirty seconds. The commander finally disconnect the hotline, and nobody never called us ever again. Khan finally found out that we can just help someone by having them yell for help, which is way better than having somebody call for help on the phone. Khan had solve that problem, now if only he could do something about the people that are too lazy to do anything by themselves.


End file.
